Monday November 7th 2016


                                              Some Of The Reasons I Use Drugs

I use drugs cause i don't want to feel sad and when i don't have drugs for this then it's the worst. That's because I am so used to feeling numb i don't how to live without drugs making me feel happy that is because i haven't experienced happiness since i was a little girl. When I was younger I didn't believe in GOD that's because I was molested when I was only 8 years old and I thought my grandmother was insane saying there was a GOD - That's because I was molested until I was 10 years old then he moved away and i felt my life was going to be okay but It wasn't though I was having nightmares of it every night until recently ( 4 years ago to be exact i was diagnosed with severe PTSD ) Ive never told anyone this not even my bestie ( I wont mention his name because that's just invasion of privacy and I want it not to be known please) I told my best friends mother what happened to me and that's all i didn't even tell my mom and my dad or any of my family about what happened cause i was scared too especially when I was younger.

When I was younger even though I didn't believe in GOD my best friend was like GOD to me because he protected my emotions and such ( he isn't my lover - gross i only see him as a brother nothing else) he just protected me and i felt safe around him and i felt like i could tell him everything just not the molestation stuff though. He was the best friend I ever had but we lost contact for a while because I moved away and somehow when I got cancer we were talking again. It wasn't the same as it was before my cancer though and I blame myself to this day - that because I got cancer I changed a lot and i just wasn't like myself and i still believe to this day we aren't close because I am just different or maybe because inside i felt like I never grew up.

So that is one of the main reasons I use drugs also is because i miss the childhood fiend i miss talking to him and maybe i don't know how to talk to him anymore maybe that's the reason. I don't want to use dugs but our friendship that was strong is no longer strong ( all my fault) i feel like bad so sad i cy about it every night but when I am high i don't care i tell myself i don't care he is my friend anymore - but of course I am lying. I FEEL LIKE SHIT BECAUSE I LOST SOMEONE WHOM WAS MORE LIKE A BROTHER TO ME THAN MY REAL BROTHER WAS.. But now that he doesn't even try to speak to me i feel like i don't want to live anymore.

I don't blame him at lease his wife talks to me i love her she is so sweet sand kind person. I would do anything for her cause she has really been there for me. I just don't want to be sad i don't want to use drugs but with all this wrong with me do you blame me? I feel normal when i do drugs i don't want to hurt anymore one day i know i might overdose. To be honest i don't think no one would care. I try to tell myself everything will work out one day i wont be using anymore this time i get clean but the emotional pain from my memories ( Satan's tools to get me good ). I feel like ill never be rreally sober not the way i feel. I just want my friends back that's all.

.